Ah, melodrama!
1. Monday night, as I was dishing up some delicious rice pilaf with black beans and fried plantains for dinner, I put my delicate inner arm directly on that 350 degree pan handle and got this little souvenir of culinary ineptitude:
2. Then yesterday morning while walking to the bus, a bird pooped on me. I did not take a picture of my misfortune, but I did immediately tell myself a story about how Chicago’s pigeons are planning a revolt, and are marking those who will be spared, to console myself over the indignity of starting my day by getting crapped on.
3. Yesterday afternoon, I wandered into Rainbow near my office because there were so many bright colors on display, plus dresses, and I’m already planning ahead for the stultifying heat of the 2008 Pitchfork Music Festival (OMG Dinosaur, Jr.!). Now, I hate Rainbow. The clothes are hideous and cheap and made of cast-off children’s Halloween costume fabric and they smell bad but I have this idea in my head to make a sundress out of pre-smocked fabric, but with some fluffy eyelet layers under it, because I am really into fluffy multi-layered skirts, and Rainbow had some smocked sundresses already made and selling for less than the fabric would probably cost and I had an idea that I would buy two and stick them together somehow. FRANKENDRESS. So I’m poking through the stinky dresses and I recognize a brand label, Mlle Gabrielle, for which label-recognizing ability I absolutely have Live Journal community Fatshonista to thank, and the dress was cute and $14.99 and made of 100% cotton, can you believe it, and is pre-fitted with a fluffy multi-layered skirt so I bought it and I’m wearing it today and I look super cute, if I do say so myself.
4. Too bad I wasn’t wearing this dress last night when I was in the laundromat because who did I see but Steven Rosengard, of Project Runway Season 4 fame, doing his own laundry and thus disabusing any notion I may have had that being on a reality TV program means nothing but drop off service from here on out, baby! I was a fan of Steve’s designs (and thought he was consistently funny in a low-key, dry witted way), but declined to approach him because I was wearing what Colleen has termed a “Brady Bunch dress” and rather than fight the 70s-era upholstry look, I decided to take it to its logical conclusion with bright orange tights and brown flats and really, was it going to make this guy feel any better about getting kicked off PR for being saddled with a wedding dress to have somebody dressed like this accost him while he washes his own unmentionables and tell him that she likes his style?
Sweet merciful crap!
17 comments
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April 2, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Becky
Ow ow ow on the burn. I’ve burnt myself cooking more than once and sweet Jesus, nothing hurts more than burns. Also, Frankendress cracked me up, and why no picture of you in the dress?
April 2, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Rachel
Haha, I’m currently recuperating from two burns, one on each hand, both incurred from touching the rungs of the tray in the oven.
I thought Stephen got a raw deal, too. He really didn’t have much to work with.
Oh, and I’ll share an equally humiliatingly funny story. On my fourth date with Brandon – the one in which we uh, later consummated the relationship – we went to the blues festival downtown. We walked around Cincinnati afterwards, and through the lovely Garfield Park. It’s really romantic and I was trying to exude all these vibes of sexiness and sophistication when all of a sudden, a pigeon crapped in my hair. Let me tell you, there is no feeling sexy when you have bird shit in your hair. Such is my luck.
April 2, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Tari
Sometime, I will show you my battle scars from curling irons, clothing irons, oven racks, and various pans and utensils. I have a knack for burning the shit out of myself at least once a year. I feel your pain, man. Ouch.
Also, wtf is wrong with that dress? I think it’s fabu. Orange: good. Brown: good. Orange + Brown = good!!
April 2, 2008 at 1:13 pm
OTM
Becky, I didn’t post a real picture because I like to maintain a pretense of anonymity, although I doubt there were very many people tooling around town yesterday in that particular sartorial combo.
Rachel, that is hilarious. And you uh, later consummated the relationship anyway despite the poo! It was definitely love.
And don’t get me wrong! I love that particular dress/tights combo. I just recognize it might be an acquired taste and doubt that a proper fashion designer would feel as enthusiastic about it as I did.
April 2, 2008 at 1:45 pm
thoughtracer
OMG. The tights! Love them. I miss Rainbow. They only have them in Milwaukee here, because apparently, Rainbow only exists in primarily POC neighborhoods in Wisconsin, and Madison, WI, as much as it would like to claim its status as a cultural hub of diversity, really isn’t. It’s pretty whitey white bread around here. So no Rainbow. I used to love Rainbow. $14.99 fat chick clothes! Yes!
Why did Chicago outlaw the International House Music Festival? That’s my question to all you windy city natives.
April 2, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Shannon
That burn is why I try to not handle hot things.
Also I LOVE THOSE TIGHTS. Sorry to holler but seriously I love them.
April 2, 2008 at 3:19 pm
OTM
The tights are the EG Smith Leg Therapy tights from Sock Dreams in orange. I’m 5′6″ and probably around 220 (although I can’t say for sure) and they juuuuuust fit. I’d be happy with a smidge more fabric, though.
Interestingly, Sock Dreams seems to have stopped carrying them due to a “quality issue.” I know that the crotch blew out of all four pairs that I bought within a month, and out of the three that I have left, there is a hole in the left toe of each. (Maybe I just have a very sharp left big toe?) I hope that EG Smith addresses the issue and makes them a little bigger because seriously? I still wear the fuck out of those ragged things because they are super soft and awesomely opaque.
April 2, 2008 at 3:58 pm
GoingLoopy
I bought the wrap top in that pattern! I contemplated the dress, but concluded that, on my body, that dress would not quite work.
And I’m sorry for your burn and bird crap incidents. :(
Finally, <3 music festivals. Am sad that work is going to prevent me from going to Bonnaroo again this summer….
April 2, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Stevie
in relation to your bird poo starting to the day
I have a friend who walked dogs as a job. One day as she was walking a little disgruntled dog across the street a bird crapped on her right there. At nearlly the same moment the dog decided on her was the best place to pee. Pooped and peed on all in a matter of seconds. She thought this was the most hilarious thing and she laughed about it then and laughed again when she told me about it that evening over coffee.
I think you people really are marked as the chosen of the pigeon people. I hope to join the ranks because you all seem pretty great! Though I get crapped on numerous times through out the day thanks to having a pet bird. Never in my hair (yet). But he has taken a walk through my breakfast a few times.
April 2, 2008 at 7:04 pm
cynth
Ouch on the burn ( I did that to my right breast last summer in an area about as big as an apple ). Your post cracked me the hell up after I got past the burn info though lol
April 2, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Asad
Don’t feel bad about burning yourself. I injure myself cooking all the time.
April 2, 2008 at 10:48 pm
Colleen
So… Steven lives around here?
I like the Brady Bunch dress but I think you’re just about the only person who can wear it without looking ridiculous. It matches your personality, especially with the orange tights.
April 2, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Colleen
Oh and my worst nightmare is being shat on by one of the giant, bloated pigeons. I can’t imagine trying to get that out of my hair. Those suckers eat too much human food and dog poop to have normal bird bowel movements.
April 3, 2008 at 4:19 am
hotsauce
1. i’ve scorched myself so many times i can’t count. the worst was taking the lid off a pot of steamed veggies. the steam shot up and left me with a blistered burn mark 2″ wide by 3″ long on my inner wrist. the scar lingered for a couple of months.
2. being pooped on by a bird is good luck, silly.
semi-related, my favorite photo of my dad is from father’s day 1983, out on the deck having a breakfast party. a gigantic crow flew over and landed on his head and stayed there long enough for a photo even though he was dying from laughing so hard. he’s bald and we all still cackle about the picture because it looks like a bird trying to hatch a gigantic egg.
3. i need to go shopping… i have a serious dearth of cute dresses at the moment.
4. i totally had a maxi skirt like that in high school, in blue and white, though. i remember the fabric was thick and kind of spongy, very polyester. this was the mid 90s so i’m not sure if it was cool, but i loved it. i wore it with blue stacked-heeled platform oxfords. stylin!
April 3, 2008 at 6:13 am
OTM
I guess he does, Colleen! I think he said something in his exit interview about living in Boystown. I want to find him and hang out.
April 3, 2008 at 6:14 am
OTM
hotsauce, that “good luck” thing is totally to make people feel better about being pooped on by a bird. Also, that picture sounds AWESOME. WTF was that bird thinking??
April 4, 2008 at 11:41 am
hotsauce
it was thinking “SHINY OBJECT!”