So I was reading a post on Pound yesterday, in which Wendy linked to one of her old posts about Bad Times retail locations, which incidentally is hilarious and totally articulates something that I have always found disconcerting yet totally inarticulable and also I totally used to live near the Andersonville Bad Times Jewel and would go out of my way to hit up the Good Times Dominick’s on Broadway and Thorndale instead, that is how sensitive to Bad Times I am, and then she linked to another post about Hair Question Men.
I like to fancy myself a generally nice person. I smile, make eye contact, and politely say, “No thank you,” to people who want to save the children, people who want to know about my feelings on the environment, people who want to sell me a copy of Streetwise, give me menus, or give me literature on any number of social justice causes, whether well founded or totally fucking paranoid. But those awful, douchey, shitbag Hair Question Men really, really, really piss me off.
My first HQM encounter was actually with an Hair Question Woman. I had just moved to the city and was in the middle of my first year of law school. As I scurried along to class in the loop, exhausted, stressed out, wind blown, unkempt, make-up free and sans accoutrement and probably about eight months out from my last haircut, a nice lady stopped me at a light and said, “Can I ask you a question about your hair?” My ego, which law school had been systematically destroying, jumped up and said, “Really? My hair? Sure! Sure! Do you like it? Are you going to say something nice to me? Can you validate my existence as a human being? Please! Please ask me about my hair! ASK ME ABOUT MY HAIR!!!”
The HQW started in on her sales patter and, this is a genius move, really, extended the coupon book she was trying to sell toward me. I, being a total idiot plus also really not wanting to hurt this nice lady’s feelings, accepted it. And then? The HQW put her hands in her pockets, leaving me holding the item she was attempting to sell me in my hot little hands, with nowhere to put it. BRILLIANT. I forget how I extricated myself from the situation, but once I realized she wasn’t my new best friend but was actually selling me a product in which I had zero interest (not to mention zero time or money to use it), I started rambling about being late for class and being broke and haircuts being against my personal religious beliefs and being legally prohibited from being within thirty feet of all the stylists at the salon for which she worked and then I tucked the coupon between her arm and her coat and ran ran away as fast as my little legs could carry me.
And I’ve held a grudge against the whole endeavor ever since. But it’s not just a personal grudge. The enterprise feels eely and dishonest and really rankles me from a feminist standpoint, too. My first HQW was also the only woman I’ve ever seen working that particular gig. In ever other case, it’s opportunistic men exploiting gender hierarchy to sell a basically worthless coupon book by using women’s socially inculcated insecurities about their looks to get their foot in the door and employing a really distasteful “no means yes” hard sell, plus guilt, plus emotional manipulation, plus sometimes straight up physical intimidation to part women from their hard-earned 76 cents on the god damn dollar. And it makes me just furious.
I’ve basically made it my life’s work, or at least a hobby of mine, to be as unpleasant to HQM as humanly possible. Once, after a woman had declined to discuss her hair, I watched one of these slimy jerks flick a lit cigarette butt after her retreating form and call her a bitch. I asked the name of his employer, intending to call and report his actions and probably report the salon to the Better Business Bureau for putting assholes like him out on the street but can you believe it? He would not tell me unless I bought a coupon book. Another time I called building security on a HQM making the rounds in the food court of a public building where I was trying to eat lunch and read in peace. A few days ago, I responded to some shitheel’s entreaty to question me about my hair with an unimaginative but heartfelt, “No! Go fuck yourself!” Lately, perhaps because of the increased foot traffic in the summer, or because times are tough and the HQMs have been downsized from their regular douchebag day jobs, the HQMs, like summer’s ubiquitous piles of abandoned dog shit, are just everywhere.
I don’t know if it was the heat, or the fact that I was both hungry yet, due to the heat, disgusted by the thought of food, or because last night’s crazy mother fucking weather forced me to put on a bra after seven p.m. (in case I had to leave the house in a hurry; didn’t want to be running in a panic down the street with my melons a’bobbling) AND literally scared the pee out of our smallest cat (all over our bed), but today when I got hassled by a HQM, I totally lost my shit. Unfortunately, this isn’t one of those stories where I talk about how awesomely witty and cutting I am, because I was really neither, but I think it does show exactly the kind of men who think accosting women on the street with a bullshit sales pitch would make a really rewarding career:
HQM: Can I ask you a question about your hair?
OTM wheels around to face the HQM, who launches immediately into his sales pitch.
HQM: I work for one of Chicago’s premiere salon’s and we are offering a fantastic deal on–
OTM: Shut up! Shut up! What is wrong with you? You have the most annoying job in this entire city, do you know that? Why don’t you quit this and do something that doesn’t totally fucking suck? (See? Not witty.)
HQM: This job is annoying? I bet I make more money than you do.
OTM: Seriously, you have the most bullshit job ever.
HQM: Well, I bet I make more money than you do.
OTM: You probably do, but you are still the most irritating person on this street right now. (walks away, throws her hands up in a gesture of frustration.) You all make me nuts with shit. Can I ask you about your hair. What a bunch of (yells over her shoulder) HORSESHIT!
HQM (yelling after me): You’d be surprised at how many girls I lay!
So there you have it. A little insight into the psyche of hair question men: they are better than me because they make more money than I do and they “lay” a lot of “girls.”
32 comments
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August 5, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Tari
Dude, these assholes drive me crazy. They totally got me once, though, years ago in the ATL (yeah, I bought the thing and went and had them butcher my hair….and it was the last time I darkened the doors of any kind of salon!).
They’re almost as bad as those “college kids” “selling magazine subscriptions” so they can “travel abroad.” I’m fairly certain those babyfaced thirtysomething college dropouts are travelling to the closest bar to get shitfaced over their total lack of soul.
August 5, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Colleen
I’ve never encountered an HQM! But now that I know they exist, I’m sure one will be waiting for me around the next corner.
I really don’t understand how that job would lead to “laying” a lot of women? I tend to be attracted to guys who aren’t the scum of the earth, myself. But whatever, I’m not really a “chick.”
Wearing a bra after 7 PM totally sucks. I was hiding in the basement with the other scared tenants and then water started leaking everywhere and it was just a mess.
August 5, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Sweet Machine
You are awesome. I love that he went straight for money and quantity of sex. It’s like he’s wearing a sign that says “Ask me about my manhood.”
August 5, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Paul
This is why I live in the suburbs.
August 5, 2008 at 4:53 pm
nuckingfutz
Agreeing with SM here.
It’s really fucking pathetic that the best line he could come up with was “You’d be surprised at how many girls I lay!”
August 5, 2008 at 5:20 pm
fillyjonk
“I bet I have a bigger penis than you!”
August 5, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Limor
The first thing that comes off when I get home is the bra, and I too get really bitchy if I have ti put it back on. Men have it so easy.
August 5, 2008 at 7:01 pm
RedSonja
I once got ambushed by one of the hand care product people. He says “can I ask you something?” banking on the ingrained response of “o—kay…” He then proceeds to grab my hand and begin buffing one of my thumbnails. So hard and fast that it hurt. I yanked my hand back, gave him a dirty look, and stalked away.
What kills me is that somehow I still feel like it’s MY job to avoid them, even though they’re obnoxious douches. And they NEVER approach me when my husband is with me. And he has AWESOME hair!
August 5, 2008 at 7:59 pm
OTM
Ha ha Paul, but even if I lived in the ‘burbs, they’d still hassle me since they circle the building where I work like shit satellites. There were actually three of the bastards right in front of my building when I left work today, and the same jackhole was on the same corner when I walked to the train! And he was talking to a very conventionally attractive, tan, blond woman. So maybe he is right and I would be surprised at how may girls he lays, since my guess would have been “None.”
Colleen, I’ve only ever seen them in the Loop.
If one of those numbskills actually grabbed my hand, he’d draw back a bloody stump. Gads! You’re totally right, though. I did an ad hoc survey of men I know and none of them have ever been bugged the an HQM. And I’ve never been bothered by an HQM when I’ve been with other men. It’s all so icky!!!
August 5, 2008 at 8:29 pm
sbb
Does this exist in New York? The closest I’ve ever come to people like this are the surprise-hand-and-back massage dipshits (something like the ones RedSonja was describing) who like to grab said parts of your body, and start kneading your rolls like your elderly italian grandma never did…..Scary.
August 5, 2008 at 8:58 pm
April D
Ooo I’ve never come across folks looking to sell coupons for hair salons! My gripe is those carts in the mall where people like chase you down asking if you “Have a cell phone” or “Want softer skin”. I agree; that IS the shittiest and most irritating job in the world and I don’t think any amount of money or sex would raise it in my opinion from the bottom of the heap.
Good on you for at least getting SOMETHING said!
August 5, 2008 at 9:28 pm
tanaudel
Isn’t grabbing and buffing assault? Surely it must be. At law school they taught us dumping a bucket of water on lecturers was assault.
…
Maybe they were just trying to discourage us.
August 5, 2008 at 9:32 pm
OTM
Battery. Assault is the one where you put someone in immanent danger of bodily harm. Battery is the one where you actually make contact. And yes, I would imagine it would be battery; you’d just have to prove damages.
I would totally rep pro bono somebody who wanted to sue the HQM.
August 5, 2008 at 9:38 pm
atiton
When I lived in NYC, I also went ballistic on one of these guys once. We actually had a screaming match in the middle of the street about whether or not he “gets” to talk to me. I said, “Um, No.” He said, “Of course I do!” I said, “You get to talk, the Constitution gives you that, but not necessarily to me, asshole.”
Of course, the irony was that by stopping to shout at him, he was getting to talk to me. I am geeneeus.
August 5, 2008 at 9:47 pm
julie
I live in a city, and in all cases, if somebody asks permission to ask a question, they get “no”. Usually they want money, and I’m not an ATM. I’ve never run into these hair people, I guess I don’t hang in the fashionable parts of town, I don’t wear make-up, I only cut my hair every 5 years or so, and don’t buy anything. Not a good target, I guess.
August 5, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Laurakeet
My gawd, I clicked the link first to Pound and commented there. So, apologies for cross-commenting (is that a thing?). My HQM was in Lincoln Park about two years ago – and at the time I had a very low-paying job, as did my friend who was also asked, and we bargained with him. He gave us his schill ridiculous salon card for like $20 less than he was supposed to. We were young? I dunno, I can be gullible. I used it, and I never went back to that crappeau (crap-o) salon again. I just remember fondly the bickering. Then recently my coworker, who is a wonderful woman but has thin hair, got the HQM guy and laughed in his face. He was like “I love your hair! Where do you get it done?” (Which is the pitch we got, too, come to think of it.) She was like, “No, you don’t,” and walked away.
Maybe it’s in the family: My mom bought that nail buffing crap apparently. She gave me a kit. She is a very savvy and awesome lady. She and I are just like that sometimes — too polite, maybe.
Now, I must say, Mary Kay does that, too. They haven’t gotten me yet, so the story isn’t mine, but another couple coworkers have had MK reps approach them in downtown Chicago talking about women’s leadership. They want you to come to their creepy sales meeting, often in schmancy hotels, and learn about their pyramid scheme. (One coworker went to one, foolishly thinking she could work them over as backsies. She ran away instead.) I gotta ask my coworker to blog that. It’s a great story.
August 6, 2008 at 12:42 am
Thorn
RedSonja – I totally got ambushed by one of the hand care jackasses too!
I was walking through the local mall pushing a double-stroller containing my then-1-year-old twins, and after I initially brushed the guy off from his standard opening line, he switched tactics and went for, “Okay, but hey! Can I ask you a question?”
And I, semi-catatonic with post-partum depression and feeling lucky to have showered and managed to leave the house without baby crap on my clothes, said, “Oookay….” and he started this whole line of patter about “Don’t your hands get dry…” blah blah crap.
I sort of shot him a disbelieving look and stammered, “Really, no thank you. I’m not interested.” And the look he gave me was so incredibly revealing. All it said was, “Holy crap – I’m a good-lookin’ guy, and you’re a fat mom of young twins walking the mall at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday. What do you mean you’re not interested in my bullshit flattery?”
To reveal my utter geekitude, it’s rather the look I imagine Obi-Wan Kenobi would have had if, after he said, “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for,” the storm trooper had said, “We’ll just see about that, buddy. Now lemme see your registration.”
August 6, 2008 at 7:43 am
Adam
Good for you. People need to stand up to people like this. I work in D.C., on Penn. Ave. You would think that there would be a law about crazy people so close to the Whitehouse. But no, they are everywhere! There is actually a group of people computers strapped to their backs with flexible tubes extending from them with flat screen t.v.’s on them. The Flat screens hover are above their heads and play music video’s. The people are walking around trying to get people to sign up for some new cell phone!!!
Just what we all need. To be accosted by a humanoid on our way to a meeting.
Thanks for standing up to this type of scum.
August 6, 2008 at 7:47 am
SugarLeigh
OH MAN. Who isn’t annoyed by people like that? There’s nothing quite like a pushy solicitor to remind you that attempting to extort money from harmless strangers (most of whom have none) is not only completely acceptable, but actually the norm in our society. It’s so depressing.
My last landlord, who knew exactly how much money I was NOT making because I had to show proof of income to get the place, extorted not only every cent he possibly could from me, but also labor because he wouldn’t lift a finger to clean a house that was unlivable in its filthy condition. As a final blow he stiffed me on my security deposit. I will never, never, never, NEVER again rent a home from anyone who has more than one home for rent. In fact, I would hesitate to ever rent a home again.
Those sales idiots who accost people in the streets? I almost feel bad for them because it sucks as a job, but that doesn’t mean I put up with their pushy bullshit for even a minute. Yeah, I know, corporate gives you shit if you don’t hardsell X amount of these things… NOT my problem, asshole. Go work at McD’s, it sucks too but you’re paid by the hour and you don’t have to play to anybody’s insecurities or suck up to people and offer them false flattery they don’t need.
When they say, “can I ask you something?” I say (good mood) a perky little “nope, thanksbye” and keep walking or (bad mood) “NO” and keep walking. Works wonders. If they were to follow me and continue, they’d get The Treatment. “No, let me ask YOU a question! Do you like your fingers intact? Here’s another one, would you like to continue to enjoy them as such? EXCELLENT! With my patented Leave Me the Hell Alone system, you’ll continue to enjoy them break-free for years to come! And if you act now, I won’t bloody your nose either!”
I haven’t had to use that yet… but I’m prepared. MUAH HA HA.
August 6, 2008 at 8:03 am
Shinobi
Oh man, when I first moved to Chicago I got stopped by a HQM once literally the DAY AFTER I’d gotten a fabulous haircut. (I love you Art & Science)
I actually ended up buying the card for my sister for her birthday, because Dayumn did she need it. (And she was a poor college student at the time.)
Now I just glare at them.
August 6, 2008 at 8:12 am
OTM
Ooo I used to go to A&S but then my much Beloved Stylist moved to another salon and I loyally followed her, as I will continue to do until she retires or asks me to please stop following her.
Which is another reason why the HQM will NEVER make a sale off me. I’d never cheat on my Beloved Stylist! NEVER I TELL YOU.
August 6, 2008 at 8:13 am
OTM
Wait, do you still live in Chicago? Why have we not had drinks?
August 6, 2008 at 9:23 am
CJ_in_VA
We don’t have HQMs where I am. Here it’s the nail people or the Dead Sea Spa lotion people. They block your path in the mall asking, “Can I see your hands?” and then proceed to click and sigh about the obviously poor condition of your cuticles or the rough dryness of your skin. You can’t get past them. They will then try to demonstrate their product on you. And then when they tell you how much their shit costs you’re so deep into it you just want to buy it so they’ll leave you alone. I was caught once when I was feeling particularly vulnerable by the DSS guy – he flirted and complimented and next thing I know I had spent $150 on crap I haven’t used once. I felt like such an idiot.
August 6, 2008 at 11:20 am
Erin
I can spot a HQM a mile away. Last time, the guy said, “Can I ask you a question?” I say, “Only if it’s not about my hair.” He didn’t have much of a response…
August 6, 2008 at 12:44 pm
OTM
A very relevant article from the Onion:
World’s Worst Person Decides to Go into Marketing
August 6, 2008 at 3:33 pm
shinobi42
I DO still live in Chicago, Evanston Actually. I didn’t know you were in Chicago until I read this post!!
August 6, 2008 at 7:27 pm
liveparadox
OMFG. Now I wonder whether those obnoxious men who kept accosting e when I was living in Paris were actually HQMs… It had gotten to the point where I would have an extremely aggressive emotional and verbal response upon simply being approached, because man, those dudes were jerks.
August 7, 2008 at 11:18 am
Persephone Hazard
“They block your path in the mall asking, “Can I see your hands?” and then proceed to click and sigh about the obviously poor condition of your cuticles or the rough dryness of your skin.”
I’m in the UK – London, actually – and though we don’t seem to have HQGs (thank goodness) we do have these people in my local shopping centre and, ugh. Oh, how I hate them.
I’m not so much in the habit now, but it was actually quite funny back when I obsessively looked after my nails and hands. Handcream twice aday, full manicure once a week – cuticles, filing, buffing, polishing, three coats, the works. They’d grab my hands and go on about how awful they are and I’d be like “No, they’re not.”
“But our stuff will make them even better!”
“Honey? My hands are *way* better than this crap.”
December 20, 2008 at 3:44 am
Sam
Hey, I am one of those HQM and I try to be as courteous as possible. But at the same time, If i’m not aggressive, i’m not going to make any money?
So there’s a quagmire there.
If the salon is getting a retained client, and the person I sell is happy with their services, which they usually are, then I have no beef.
I’m as friendly as possible. And no, i’m not a heman woman hater.
December 22, 2008 at 10:27 am
A.B.C
I found this blog awesome!
Office Cows and social introverts will ALWAYS!! complain bitch and moan about what we do SELL…I figure its just because the 15 minutes of freedom they get from their corporate job is spent dodging/avoiding us. and I get it! But Understand we have a job to do and most of the guys involved are either brash 18-24 yr olds or old enough to be your creepy uncle… now I dont doubt anything you guys are saying because I’ve heard it all, im 20 yrs old and have been doing this long enough when I know wheres its coming from…most of the guys that do name call and talk down to the women they sell are independent contractors meaning they have no boss they are independent and have no accountability for what or who they say vulgor things too.. Understand that every guy that pitches hair coupons does not need the validation from a complete stranger to continue to work we make 100 commission some of us do really well and some dont…The guys that suck for the most part are the ones hurting for money and thats when the name calling starts to comes out only cause of the frusrations from not having an hourly wage.. most of us hair guys understand that the world sucks and you meet some pretty fucked up people.. I mean we do talk to more people in a week than most.. but why dont you guys get that? I mean im not complaining about the women who tell me to go fuck off and to get a “REAL” job.. which to this day im still trying to figure out what a real job is? maybe one of you guys cant help explain to me? O wait you mean one of those jobs where you can sit on your ass all day and get a wage while CEOs use you as cattle? than they use private jets and take your pension you mean one of those jobs? So I say sorry for not understand but lets make a deal.. I’ll invite one of you guys shit I’ll invite all you guys out to work with me.. lets see if you guys can do what I do.. I bet all the money in the world you couldnt stand up for 9 hours let alone do what we do =) Social Introverts and Office Cows alike dont be upset with me.. I didnt do anything wrong.. so just smile next time you see one of us and kill us with kindness.. rather than witness one of my sales reps battle like a 3rd grader with another insecure person.
Thanks
I apoloigize for the grammar and errors I was typing this in a hurry to get outside and annoy you guys some more.
December 22, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Matt D
thanks for the postings my fellow co-workers.
These people are all very right about our work, but no one has a clue what it insists of to make it work for the salon and client. If they listened to what we have to say, none of the BULLSHIT would be posted as is. The people that post these hateful articles, motivate me on the street. If i hear something like that, i WILL STOP YOU and make you listen. NOT to what im selling, but WHY and WHAT we’re doing. I dont want your money if you dont care. But you WILL know. Especially this summer when B.S.S.com will be plastered all over the city’s ”basic” advertising markets.
go hair guys, go
we will never stop because we love what we do
we’re the best at it
and no one, NO ONE can do it
real job??? i agree, wtf is a “real job” a income every 2 weeks to pay for my rent, car, parking, heat/gas, electric, cable/phone/internet, gym, groceries, 2 creditcards, school, loans….
i guess i dont have a real job since im never late on payments and im based on %90 commission, with a little base that put in from my pocket months ago.
enjoy this, and I WILL FIND YOU AND WE WILL TALK AND DISCUSS
find us on michigan, state, or anywhere in the financial district. you love us or you hate us. :)
Matt D
the best of them all
October 20, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Michele
One of those guys in the loop that tries to “ask you about your hair” just called me an ugly c#nt when I told him I didn’t have time to stop because I’m in a rush. Wow. Does anyone know what salon those guys work for? I’d like to give the owner a call!