Hey Female! Are you a runner? An athlete? Do you kick ass and take names? Are you competitive? Do you have drive? Do you feel powerful and strong in mind and body because of your amazing physical capabilities?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you should sign up for the Skirt Chaser 5K Race because clearly you are an uppity bitch who needs to be knocked down a peg. The Skirt Chaser 5K Race seeks to remind woman runners of their status as delicate, sexualized, pink-clad objects to be pursued by eager men.

Ladies first!

Catch Me Wave
The women’s start will kickoff the event, with all women wearing a SkirtSports Skirt. Race Skirt included with entry!

Pink!
And it’s pink!!! Wait, not pink: Flirtini/Smooch.

While the men have fun eagerly watching all the ladies in their short skirts before they take off in hot pursuit of their objective: FEMALES.

SkirtChaser Wave
Catch us if you can! The men will eagerly watch as the women have a three-minute lead before their start.

Presumably, once the men finish pursuing their be-skirted quarry, they ply them with booze to lower their inhibitions (and keep those li’l gals from running away again) so the girls will willingly strip to their underwear for public display!

Block Party
The Red Bull post-race party includes block party style food and drinks, dating games and a fashion show- all the way down to the skivvies!

What, no wet t-shirt contest?

Hot running sluts who enter will receive the dainty selection of pink, er, I mean Flirtini/Smooch running gear, including a SKIRT, pictured above. Men will get powerful red and black (no cutesy names for the colors of the mens’ clothes?) gear that portrays those lady runners in sexxxy poses, to take home like hunting trophies.

Hott!

So there you have it, ladies. A race designed to remind you that you: 1) can run but you can’t hide; 2) should be wearing a skirt at all times; 3) aren’t wearing enough pink; 4) are nothing more than men’s hunting quarry; and 5) should not be exercising to be strong and fit, but to have a hot little body to put on display for the men who eagerly watched you run away from them.

Oh and men? You live to chase women. And pink is totally for girls.

Unsurprisingly, this whole farce is sponsored by Red Bull, mixer of choice for idiot frat boys everywhere. Unfortunately, the event is also sponsored by SkirtSports, the providers of the gendered Flirtini/Smooch-colored running gear, a company founded by just such a badass, strong, woman as described in my first paragraph:

Nicole DeBoom grew up in the Chicago suburbs and started swimming competitively at the ripe-ol’ age of 5. By high school Nicole was running and swimming in national competitions. She qualified for the 1988 Olympic Swimming Trials in the 100m breaststroke, and shortly after, headed to Yale, where she swam varsity and wrote her senior thesis in sociology on problems women have with body imaging.

Always one to put passion ahead of parental pressure, Nicole parlayed her expensive Ivy League diploma into a career as a swim coach, instilling on others what she had learned through her athletic experiences, and meanwhile dabbling in triathlons. In November 1995, she met her husband, Tim DeBoom (2001 & 2002 Hawaii Ironman World Champion) on an airplane en route to her first World Championship as an amateur.

Nicole’s triathlon career was a remarkable and quick climb to the upper echelon of elite racers. She made her pro triathlon debut in 1999 by competing in the US Triathlon Series. In 2000, she competed in her first Ironman distance event (2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, and 26.3 mile marathon run), finishing third in the California Ironman and 12th at the Hawaii Ironman World Championship.

Since 2002, Nicole focused mainly on short distance triathlon racing, including first-place wins in major events in Boulder, Colo., Memphis, Tenn., and Chicago.

Apparently, DeBoom came to different conclusions in her paper on women and body “imaging” than I would have, as her impressive academic and athletic career led her to this:

On a training run in December 2003, Nicole jogged along, desperately wishing for a little inspiration to help her through what felt like her millionth workout of her triathlon career. As she glanced at her reflection in a store window, she realized something was missing. It wasn’t the performance in her apparel. It was the attitude. Her apparel had no sass! When she got home, she immediately scribbled the word “Pretty!” on a piece of scratch paper, hereby taking the historic first step toward what is now the culture of SkirtSports, a company that lives by the idea that fun and fitness is a lifestyle choice that nurtures confidence and happiness.

That’s what the world of competitive sports for women is lacking! Sass! Not funding or equal protection under the laws or promotion by the media or sponsorship. SASS!!!! Well, sass, the reinforcement of oppressive gender norms, and a little misogynist objectification.

Nice work.

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